Sliding Doors
Have you ever seen this movie? Mandy and I saw this movie when we were first married. We both loved it and hated it. It haunted us for some reason. The premise is that this lady has a decision to make, and then like a ‘choose your own adventure novel’ (remember those?) the movie follows the character down BOTH paths. And it shows how similar and how different life could be based on one simple decision.
Wow. It’s actually pretty deep right? So tonight I was looking in my attic for some snow pants for my friend Christine (ok for her kids, not really her!) and I found that one of my boxes of college stuff had been knocked over. A paper was lying on the attic floor, so I picked it up. It was a paper I wrote November 6, 1997, just weeks before I proposed to Mandy.
Crazy right? Even more interesting is the topic of the paper. It was titled, Finding My Way Through The Wilderness: Solicited Generativity. The paper is a discussion of several books and a movie we watched in class. It teases out a theme of what I called “solicited generativity” out of each work. Generativity is basically one generation passing things on to the next—so solicited generativity is when you seek it out from someone.
Here is my opening paragraph, a voice from 13 years ago:
Lately I find myself at a stage in life in which I am making several life-impacting decisions, as well as one major life-long decision. As I mull over these decisions, I spend much time in projective thought—picturing myself being thirty or forty and wondering if who I am then will be satisfied with the decisions that this immature twenty-year old has already made for me. Or will I be cursing the arrogant youngster for destroying my life and trapping me in a world I would never have chosen for myself, if only I had had the chance? This frustration haunts me sometimes, but there simply is no possible way for the twenty-year old me to contact the forty-something me. So what can I do? Either I never make any decisions until I am thirty (and then worry that the sixty-year old me will be trapped) or I find a way to make the best possible choices for all the “me’s” to come.
When I read this by iPhone light in my freezing attic tonight, for some reason, it just really struck me as profound. Here I am, the thirty-something me, listening to the 20 year old me trying to project to where I am now. Even as I write this, it’s still profound. And it makes me think of some things:
Can you tell from reading that excerpt how afraid I was of being trapped? And how almost paralyzed I can become in making decisions for fear of making the wrong one? This still plagues me today. It is my over-inflated fear of failure.
Also, I look at that guy, working late into the night in my parent’s basement, and he has no idea. He really doesn’t. I mean, not at all. He has no idea how deeply he will learn to love this girl who he’s desperately trying to decide if he wants to marry. He has no idea how profoundly he will be forced to suffer. He has no idea the earth shattering power of love he will feel for his kids. He has no idea that in 13 years, two of his best friends’ marriages will be ending in divorce. He has no idea of the turns his mom’s illness will take. He has no idea that two of his very best friends in life, would move to California (no guilt Jason and Darby!). And on, and on, and on. The wonderful days and the bad days. He has no idea.
And yet, as a young boy I (we) jumped into the waters of life with such gusto and confidence (ok, maybe not me—but I hear others do). And so, isn’t it natural 13 years later to reevaluate? How did the 20 year old me do? I can remember this time after I graduated high school (don’t think I’m too dorky here) and I was driving somewhere and it hit me—I’ll never go to high school again! And I actually started to cry. I hate the feeling of losing something, or regret. So then I thought, Well would I do anything different? Did I miss any opportunities? And I honestly decided that no—I was totally happy with how I lived my life to the fullest in high school.
So, at almost 33 years old, is it time to reevaluate again? I look at the major decisions of my life during that time, marrying Mandy was the most important. Then deciding to not pursue my graduate degree, and instead move into full time ministry. That was a big one too. Deciding to live in the same place I grew up, and never move or explore new territory. Deciding to take a job that would probably never have the chance of me making tons of money. These were all life-altering decisions I was making at that time.
So, sliding doors—what would my life be like if I had done these differently? What if I had not married Mandy? Just the thought of that hurts. I was just thinking the other day how much I have changed (for the better!) because of her influence in my life. Who would I even be without her influence? Even with the pain of losing two children together, I know if I was given the choice to marry Mandy again 100 times, I would make the same choice, 100 times over. I have been amazed in our relationship, time and again, at how perfect she is for me. And most often in ways I never anticipated.
Career? You know, I have to say again, that I really feel like I did the right thing. I mean, I do wish that I had lots of money, that I had traveled more, and that I had a Masters Degree in something. But, you make certain choices, and there are “consequences.” In my 20′s I did get to travel quite a bit as a minister, and that will always be such an amazing time in life that I am so grateful for. If I had gone to grad school, that may have not been possible. And, what if I had chosen a different career path? Then all these hundreds, maybe even thousands, of young people I’ve had the opportunity to influence for God…where would they be?
Sliding Doors.
Isn’t it amazing how every decision affects another, which affects another? How your decision can affect someone else, and then someone else, and so on? Do you ever think about the ripple effects of your decisions?
Also, isn’t it true that there are always trade offs? I mean, you can’t have everything all the time, so you make decisions about what you want and when. This feels risky, but I really believe that if we don’t compromise our inner self, and stay on target for who we are called to be in God, that even through the most challenging times, we can come out knowing we are on the right track.
So yeah, longest post ever by me, right? Maybe this will encourage you to think about the blessings in your life. And maybe there are even choices you wish you could have back. But even in those, may we learn to find the great Redeemer. The One who takes broken dreams, misplaced goals, and disappointment, and makes new life.
The word “Decisions” has the same root word as scissors because they are literally cutting away options that were once open to you. That’s why they’re so important. It’s a pruning, a narrowing, a focus on one thing and not another. And that’s a good thing. When you try to fight against this, you end up messing a whole lot. If you try to choose Mandy, and someone else, that would not be good, at all. You need to cut others out. We’re in California. That cuts out us living on the east coast all the time. But it’s the right thing for us now.
That being said, Christian! You’re not even 33. If you really want a Master’s Degree. It takes 2 years. Just get one!
Ew Jason – “messing a whole lot.” You have some unique ways of dealing with bad decisions. Ha!
And yeah, that’s really deep about the scissors. Very cool insight. And I agree about the Masters. Someday maybe. I did do VLI which was a two year program and made me happy to be learning about stuff I loved.
And I really enjoyed this movie. it’s kind of like “bounce,” too.
this is a *really* great post…
i’m one of those hundreds, maybe thousands, whom you’ve influenced and i’m still thankful for you (and jonathan)… you guys probably have no idea about the seeds you’ve sown…i’m glad for the choices you’ve made in life – even the ones pertaining to your marriage that i get to hear about…it’s encouraging and a beacon to look to right now where i feel submerged in the reality of failed relationships around me…
That’s really sweet Rachel, thanks! I feel so privileged to have had the chance to be part of so many people’s spiritual journeys. It’s really exciting when I get to touch base with some like you later in life! Thanks for posting!
This struck a chord with me. I even got teary-eyed reading it, and you can probably figure out why. It’s amazing to think how everything we do has a ripple effect that we just cannot avoid. Makes life weighty, which it should be, right? And yeah, the scissors insight was a good one–so true.
Jess – I definitely thought about you as I wrote this. I’m really sorry about this part in your “story.” But I really believe that your character and Godly decisions will send even more powerful repercussions in your life, than the pain that has been inflicted upon you.
My life took a huge turn when I was 13 and my mom moved me out of Delaware away from everyone and everything I ever knew. Sometimes I look back and wonder if all of those people who you call best friends would be my friends too. I wonder what my life would be like if I never left DE. I wonder if I would have a church to call home (we have looked and looked but still have not found one here) and if I would have friends from childhood instead of only friends made in adulthood. But it is only wondering and not wishing because God’s plan wasn’t for me to be in DE. it wasn’t a choice I got to make and maybe that is because God didn’t want it to be my choice. If I hadn’t moved to VA when I was younger, I wouldn’t have had the opportunities that have led me to where my life is now and as I look around at all of my blessings I thank God for having someone else make a choice for me that I surely would have never made. This post really struck a cord with me and it did make me look at the blessings in my life.
Jamie? Jardina? Right? Wow! How are you?! Thanks so much for reading. And, wow, what an amazing story. And what a great perspective you bring!
Yup, Jamie Jardina, although I haven’t been Jardina for almost 10 years now. It is Jamie Steider now. I am wonderful, living in Northern Virginia with my husband of 10 years and 2 boys, Jackson and Logan. I found your blog through one of Jess’s blog postings and really love it. Thanks for sharing both your joy and your pain, that takes a lot of strength.
I really struggle with trying to determine if I, or other people around me, would be better off if I’d made other choices. I am not at the “counting my blessings” stage quite yet – still in the swirl of bad feelings this post has brought forth in me.
“still in the swirl of bad feelings this post has brought forth in me.”
Don’t worry, Michelle. Just about all of Christian’s post do this for me, too.
Hahaha Jason. Thanks! Michele – I don’t know why you can’t see the positive repercussions of your life in so many people’s lives. I know Mandy and I have been the beneficiaries of your blessings for years – and we love you so much!
The real “sliding doors” question here is….”What would my life be like if you had been helping me last night instead of reading your stupid paper in the attic when I had all the kids downstairs???!!!”
For real…it is true…this movie had a profound influence on my life. So many decisions snowball because of choices we make…may they be good ones or bad. Some of these haunt me now with the roads we have been down….what if I had done everything different and never gone to a holistic place to have a baby? Would Malachi and Hope had lived? Would we have watched them die rather than being shocked with their deaths? Or could we be holding them right now and watching them play,hearing the pitter- patter of their feet as they come down in the morning and greet us with their puffy bedtime eyes and crazy morning hair…..Sliding doors indeed.
To quote a line from a powerful song,” Help me Lord cause I don’t understand Your ways, the reason why,I wonder if I’ll ever know…But, even if You showed me the hurt would be the same cause I’m still here so far away from home.”
What I am learning is that my hand is being held by my Savior. That though He may not be able to change the deep sorrows in my life or the bad decisions I have made… He will not let me stand alone while I am away from home.
Mandy, this is so sad. I miss those little guys so much too. And that song is so powerful. I can’t listen to it without crying. Everytime.
There are so many deep thoughts to contribute to this great post but I’m too lazy right now : ) I just want to say thanks for looking for that snow stuff…the boots are too small and I can’t get Maddie to wear the snow suit! However, I’m determined to get Maddie in that suit today and she’s gonna love it! I’m glad that your search was the catalyst for this post too, I feel like I had a hand in it…ok not really but I can pretend right?