Treading on Sacred Paths

Tomorrow I’m going to be teaching at church. Often in my teachings I feel inspired to share pieces of the story of my life—and sometimes that will include the story of Malachi and Hope. I love talking about them to people. Early on Mandy and I both felt that their stories would be a testimony to God, and used to touch many people’s lives.

However, there is another side of this issue that I really struggle with. Basically, how much is too much? There are places in my heart, places so deep and precious and painful, that only a few have been allowed to enter. They are sacred places. Places I can go and be. Memories. Snapshots in time. These are holy ground in my heart. They make me feel close to Malachi and Hope on a very deep level. Many of these memories I can only talk about with Mandy.

One time last summer while trying to help someone I shared too much. I talked openly about some of the deepest detailed memories of those times. And it was a bad idea. It sent me into an emotional tailspin for the rest of the day and night, until I finally fell the ground and realized I had allowed someone onto that holy ground that wasn’t supposed to be there.  At least not yet. Maybe someday all of these memories will be “open” to others, but right now they aren’t.

So I struggle. I wonder, how much is too much to share? And I also struggle because I want my motives to be pure. I’m not an idiot. I know when I share these stories they will move people deeply. In other words, I know they will be good material for my teaching. And that disgusts me on some level.

I don’t ever want the stories and lives of Malachi and Hope to become “good material.” You know what I mean?

So I struggle. I really do. I’m pulled between wanting to honor their memories through sacred silence, and wanting to honor them through the power of testimony that can change people’s lives.

Tomorrow I’m going to share something I’ve never shared with the church before. A part of my heart. It’s real. And I think I’ll be ok. It’s certainly not the deepest parts. And I really think that the deepest parts would be inappropriate to share with such a large audience. But it is a deep enough part that just planning to use it caused me to spend some time crying tonight. I hadn’t visited that specific “place” in a while.

So I …. struggle :)

I miss them. I really do. It still amazes me how deeply I can miss two people I never had the chance to “know” in the way we think we know people. However, I also feel that I know them on levels that are so deep that they transcend words and shared experiences. And the promise of God is that someday we will be fully known. And that excites me – to fully know them both.

It is so cool, something I never would have expected, is that I have intense fatherly pride for them. I have that for my four living children, but I didn’t know what I would feel or experience with Malachi and Hope. But I really do have pride for them. I am so proud of how their testimony has already touched so many lives so deeply. I know it has.

And tomorrow I pray that as I allow others to tread some sacred paths of mine, that their testimony will indeed touch lives again.