Archive for the ‘Family’ Category
I’m going to try and post from the dentist office again! (it’s like a weird tradition I’ve started all by myself) Only this time I’m with Samuel and it is his appointment.
Now samuel has a long and sad history of dentists. For some reason he has had tons of work done in his short little life. Today he is getting another filling (they say he has really soft teeth or something and so cavities come easy to him-or maybe it’s because we live in Elkton and they don’t let you brush your teeth there…) and the thing is he HATES shots. Of any kind.
His anxiety will start days in advance (so much fun as a parent let me tell you.) But the thing is, I can’t blame him! I hate it here too! You see as a kid I had tons of work as well. I had braces twice before I was 16! I had tons of problems, so I totally feel his pain. Even now as an adult it takes a lot of mental effort to not freak out as they start sticking sharp objects in my mouth. I just tense up and get so nervous.
So poor buddy. He had such a bad time of it last time that they asked him to come early and get some special “drowsy” medication. Last time we resorted to this as well and it seemed to help. But we have to come an hour early so it can take effect. Of course the dentist just came out and told me he gave him less then last time because he thinks this will be easier. What!?!? Why wasn’t I consulted!?!? Now I’m nervous too.
He is being really brave today though. I am so impressed with him. Just pray (if you read this in the next 20 minutes) that he has peace. I wish he didn’t have to do this. But I have promised him his choice of Ritas, Chic-fil-a milkshake, or Jakes milkshake after! So he has some incentive!
Haha. This is like a play by play …. He keeps leaning over to me and saying, “do I look drowsy yet?”. Haha. Poor guy. He’s so nervous…..
Now I know why I’m slow to work on Mandy’s book. It’s painful. I’ve just laid out the book again to start looking with a bird’s-eye view of it and make sure it flows. And I’m also re-reading the whole thing again. I got through Chapter 1 tonight. Barely.
The pain is what scares me away, but the pain is also what commands me to keep going (and I know Mandy feels the exact same way). The very thing that makes me want to throw this book on a shelf and forget about it forever, is the reason I (we) must finish it. Even if it takes 10 years (which it won’t) we have to finish it.
It is inspired by and written for two beautiful and precious children. I think a lot about their legacies. Much of their legacy lies within me I believe. I have been forever changed because of them. And it lies within Mandy. And our families and friends. So many people have been effected so profoundly by their tiny little lives.
But I really do care about their legacies. I want their stories to continue to make an impact in this world. So much of this world seems meaningless, randomn, and cruel. That is not the story I will allow for these two.
No.
I want people to know of a greater purpose above the tragedy, a greater love above the pain, and a greater order above the confusion. I owe it to them. I really feel I do. I don’t know if people would say that’s “healthy” or not, but I feel as their daddy that this is part of how I can and will love them. I am not content to just allow them to become part of my past. I want them to be part of my present at all times. Not in a way that messes up my present by making me depressed, past-focused, and out of touch with life. But in a way that enhances my present by keeping me in touch with them and with heaven.
And this is why I must keep moving on this book, no matter how painful—because their stories must be heard.
I don’t really have a lot to write tonight, but, as Jason says—sometimes you just have to write. So I will.
I’m excited because I’m starting to get into the flow of working on Mandy’s book again. She is getting close to being done writing new content (unless I assign her another chapter or two to close it out). And I’ve already been through it twice editing it and putting it together. I just typed up a closing chapter which she hand wrote (thanks a lot Mandy!) and now I’m inputting edits that she has made (I printed a copy out for her so she could read the whole thing through and make edits).
Next I need to do a more “overview” edit. Like, does this part really come after this part and before that part? And I also want to add some subtitles and stuff. I’m excited about it though. I feel like its a very honest and genuine discussion of Mandy’s journey over the past 3 1/2 years. I actually looked up the definition of a Memoir because I’ve been thinking that this is kind of what Mandy has created.
Here is wikipedia on “memoirs:”
As a literary genre, a memoir (from the French: mémoire from the Latin memoria, meaning “memory”, or a reminiscence), forms a subclass of autobiography. . . Memoirs are structured differently from formal autobiographies which tend to encompass the writer’s entire life span, focusing on the development of his/her personality. The chronological scope of memoir is determined by the work’s context and is therefore more focused and flexible than the traditional arc of birth to childhood to old age as found in an autobiography.
I think this is a pretty accurate description of what Mandy has done. At first I struggled to understand how to describe her work, because it is very different than the way that I write. But then when I started to think about it in this light, it made so much sense to me. I’m not sure if “memoir” will make it into the title, but I think it’s a good framework through which to view it while editing it and making sure it flows.
I’m excited for people to read it because Mandy really lets people in to the scary and dark places that she traveled during the days, months, and years following the deaths of Malachi and Hope. The book reads in a really unique way too, because it was written almost in real time. The first third of the book was written between Malachi and Hope. Then, chronologically, there is a huge pause. And then the writing starts up again, several months after losing Hope. It ends with us finally deciding to try again.
There are parts that I have read eight or nine times, and still they make me cry everytime. It is a powerful and honest journey into her heart, and I can’t wait until we finish it.
Anyway, that’s what I was working on tonight, and I’m excited for it!
Want to know what I’m thinking about tonight? My kids.
I can remember the first night we brought Samuel home, 9 years ago. Mandy gave birth to him at the birth center, where they really like to play practical jokes on you. Like the one where they don’t give you any drugs and tell you that’s better! Or the one where they say that tennis balls and a special chair will help with the pain? Or the one where they say that you can go home only 4 hours after the baby is born! WHAT?!?
(OK, so quick aside: I actually loved our experience at the birth center. I really did. The people there are amazing. Wonderful people. And I will always cherish our memories there. But with Eden we did it the old fashioned way—we got an epidural. And, well, let’s just say I loved it.)
I’m 21 years old, never held a newborn in my life (ok maybe once, literally!) and we take this kid HOME! All by ourselves! I remember turning to Mandy as we got ready to go to bed and saying, “You know, it’s crazy they just trust us with this baby. They should really send a nurse home with you!” (Turns out they do have special programs just like that—it’s called staying at the hospital!)
That night, I woke up for no reason. (This was my first discovery of a new gift I had acquired—the ability to wake up at the slightest variation in my child’s breathing. No idea how I got this gift, but I still have it.) I turned to Samuel, and noticed he was not breathing well. So guess where we went….that’s right…a hospital! We spent the first whole night at AI Dupont hospital for children. Poor guy.
Now we are 9 year veterans of having several kids, and I had a discussion with Mandy tonight about some issues they are facing and I was thinking, “Somebody should know the answers to these questions!” I mean really—in some ways I feel just as lost as I did that first night. It feels like my every decision and action and word has the potential to make or break these precious little people. I know on the grand scale we provide a loving, supportive environment, and blah blah blah…but I feel the pressure!
I have to trust God that He is leading us, and that when we mess up (every day) He has grace for them, but sometimes facing the challenges that they have, and the decisions that feel so important right now, can get a little overwhelming. You know what I mean? Each of our kids are so unique and wonderful, but at the same time so difficult to really figure out. I guess what I’m saying is I’m just feeling a lack of understanding for how to best lead them and shepherd them. I’m trusting God that it will come, but I definitely have a holy fear about our mandate as parents. And you know what? I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.
Aside:
(Jason, you haven’t left any comments anywhere (or texts, voicemails, snailmail, pigeonmail, email…) reminding me that I haven’t posted in like 5 days!!! Do you even care anymore?!?!?! How am I supposed to go on if you don’t care?!??!! :) )
I did something last week that I’ve never done before. And I’m proud of it. And I think it was the right thing to do. Although . . . I honestly never thought I would be the person to do this (just tell us already!).
Here’s the sitch (is that how the cool kids are saying it?)—Samuel and Elliot are both on a “travel” soccer team. Which basically means that they had to try out to make this team, and it is supposed to consist of the best 8&9 year olds in the club. They are both very good little players.
In the last few games of the fall season (and now in the first few scrimmages of this spring season) Mandy and I began to notice a trend. Samuel was getting less and less playing time. Like, a lot less.
What’s crazy is I have been a coach many times at many levels, and I have had this talk with parents on occasion. It is a difficult balance of trying to be fair, trying to allow kids a chance to play, and trying to create the best opportunities for the team to win.
(I can remember one time as a 19 yr old coaching a JV team for my old highschool this mom came up to me so upset about her son’s playing time. I can’t remember what I said, but it didn’t help. She demanded to talk to my “boss” the AD. We did. He backed me up. But I wonder what the 33 year old me who now has his own kids, would have said. I would have probably handled it much better.)
So anyway, too make this story short—Mandy and I were getting increasingly concerned. That’s the word I’ll use.
I decided it was time to act. What’s interesting is I actually really really like their coach. Great guy. Great coach. Very reasonable. And he and I have begun to have a kind of friendship as well.
But we decided it was time to address this. So I wrote an email. This was SO hard for me. You see, not many people know this (HAHAHA) but I am a HUGE people pleaser (OK – that sounds strange. It’s not that I like to please HUGE people, LOL, but you know what I mean). I really really want EVERYONE to like me. All the time. Whenever something happens that may interfere with that, it becomes very difficult for me. I get all crazy feeling on the inside.
This was definitely a challenge.
What was even stranger is that after I wrote the email and worked and reworked it—I finally agonizingly hit SEND. And my cable went out! And it didn’t come back on until like 4 hours later! And my email literally disappeared. It’s nowhere!!
So I had to write another one…
I finally bit the bullet and did it. And the coach got it 20 minutes before their game this past Sunday. Ouch. I feel kind of bad about that. But he was absolutely great about it. Just great. We addressed some issues. He had some misunderstandings about Samuel that I think I was able to shed some light on, and he was very open to re-looking at stuff.
Samuel played much more (and I don’t even feel a little guilty about that) and he actually played fantastic. They lost a heartbreaking loss, 4-3 with the last goal being scored with no time left. But he came bounding over to me SO happy after the game (a little unusual for him after a loss), and I know it was because he got to play. Really PLAY! I was, and am, so happy for him.
Then at practice the coach took time to personally work with him one-on-one on some areas that I think in the coach’s mind are holding Samuel back. Great.
So that’s it. I am so happy I actually did it. I am not a parent who is delusional about my kids’ greatness. I know where Samuel lines up with the other kids. But I also know he deserves a chance to play and grow. And I also know that a good coach unlocks potential. AND 9 years old is WAY to young to shut that potential down.
I felt like I did a good dad thing. And I’m so happy for Samuel. (But I sure hope I don’t have to do it again anytime soon!)
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