Glimmers of Hope

Mandy is 18 weeks pregnant approximately, and Friday we had our first Level 2 ultrasound. Because we are “high risk” we have already had two Level 1 ultrasounds. We’ll have two more of the 2′s and then we’ll move on to these things called Biophysicals – which are basically in depth ultrasounds that measure more than just size, but also movement and other things and then compare that to standards to determine health.

So far everything looks perfect!

As I walked out of the exam room with Mandy I told her that now I was really nervous because I was starting to feel hopeful. I mean, from the start I’ve been hopeful, and feeling like this was the right thing to do. I’ve felt peace (as much as can be expected) and felt generally positive about it all. At the same time, however, I think I’ve been viewing it all from a very realistic perspective. Bad things happen. Especially, it seems, to us when trying to have babies. So while I’ve been hopeful, I’ve also kept it at a distance somewhat I think. 

I think the distance is my “rational” self. I have faith, and peace, and spiritually good feelings about it all.  But rationally I know that I can’t control anything. And here’s the catch – I think I’ve been trying to do just that. Rather than embracing the moment, I think I’ve been cautiously beholding the present. Does that even make sense?

You see, I might think (on some level) that to remain rational will “protect” me somehow. But in reality – that is simply not true. This is the stark truth I am faced with daily – I control nothing. This is perhaps one of the greatest struggles for me.

I can’t control whether this baby lives, anymore than I can control whether my other living children live. I can’t control my life, Mandy’s life…and that scares me. Why does it scare me? 

I think on some level it is because I have stopped trusting God. Or maybe my definition of trusting God has changed. I used to “trust” God to protect us. Yet I defined “protect” as keep from all harm. Is that really a righteous expectation to have of God? Does he promise that? Does he not in fact say – “In this world there will be trouble?”

So what does trust mean then? If we can’t trust him to keep us from all harm, then we must trust him to keep us THROUGH all harm. Good or bad, pain or pleasure, joy or sorrow – God is holding us. And will continue to do so. 

Sure, he works on our behalf, and I believe that he answers prayers – and even currently IS answering prayers about this baby. But ultimately, if my faith and trust are built on him doing what I want (how we usually define answered prayer) than my faith is shaky.

This is hard stuff. All this to say, as I received empirical evidence that my baby is doing great, my rational side began to hope along with my faith side. No matter how messed up that sounds to you, its just where I am right now.

And, not to sound like a downer, this scares me too :) It hurts me to hope again. Even as I write that, it hurts. I miss my other two so deeply. To even allow my heart to walk down this path again is painful. Even in the midst of joy.

I am so thankful for Malachi and Hope. They have taught me so much. I continue to learn from the grace they bestowed upon my life. And I anxiously (or peacefully depending on the day) await the future of this baby…whatever it may be.

Telling the Kids

Most of you know our history, that we have lost two babies to still birth in the past three years. And some of you know that about 3 months ago we made the decision to try again. Well last week we had our first trimester screening, and everything is looking really good so far!

One reason I wanted to start a blog was to be able to get my feelings out there about stuff, and this is a big one. On Monday we told our kids. This was a huge hurdle for us honestly. Although we feel lots of peace about the pregnancy, and have great care right now from amazing doctors, there still is that fear that something will go wrong again.

We knew going in to this that it is one thing to place yourself in that place of uncertainty and fear, and quite another to place your kids there. They don’t have the choice to go there. And that is honestly one of the greatest burdens I carry in this—my fear for my kids.

I know kids are resilient, but I have etched in my memory the look on my kids’ faces in the past as we’ve told them the news that our little baby has died. Without getting into too much detail, those moments remain some of the most painful moments of my life. To look into the eyes of my children and watch their innocence being stripped away, and see their faith in good things happening, and their trust . . . all of this be stretched.  It was/is so hard. 

What makes it worse is that my kids are head over heels in love with babies. They just are. As soon as we told them they were so excited. It’s different in our house than in most houses expecting a baby though. Our kids often talk about (and pray about) how they hope this baby lives. We all start sentences with,  ”If the baby lives…” sometimes—which really is so sad when you think about it!

We are on this journey together as a family, and I do trust that no matter what happens, somehow, God’s grace will be sufficient for us. And that is our hope. And I also hope, that someday soon my kids’ expectations will be fulfilled in the form of a living and healthy baby brother or sister.