Sliding Doors

Have you ever seen this movie? Mandy and I saw this movie when we were first married. We both loved it and hated it. It haunted us for some reason. The premise is that this lady has a decision to make, and then like a ‘choose your own adventure novel’ (remember those?) the movie follows the character down BOTH paths. And it shows how similar and how different life could be based on one simple decision.

Wow. It’s actually pretty deep right? So tonight I was looking in my attic for some snow pants for my friend Christine (ok for her kids, not really her!) and I found that one of my boxes of college stuff had been knocked over. A paper was lying on the attic floor, so I picked it up. It was a paper I wrote November 6, 1997, just weeks before I proposed to Mandy.

Crazy right? Even more interesting is the topic of the paper. It was titled, Finding My Way Through The Wilderness: Solicited Generativity. The paper is a discussion of several books and a movie we watched in class. It teases out a theme of what I called “solicited generativity” out of each work. Generativity is basically one generation passing things on to the next—so solicited generativity is when you seek it out from someone.

Here is my opening paragraph, a voice from 13 years ago:

Lately I find myself at a stage in life in which I am making several life-impacting decisions, as well as one major life-long decision. As I mull over these decisions, I spend much time in projective thought—picturing myself being thirty or forty and wondering if who I am then will be satisfied with the decisions that this immature twenty-year old has already made for me. Or will I  be cursing the arrogant youngster for destroying my life and trapping me in a world I would never have chosen for myself, if only I had had the chance? This frustration haunts me sometimes, but there simply  is no possible way for the twenty-year old me to contact the forty-something me. So what can I do? Either I never make any decisions until I am thirty (and then worry that the sixty-year old me will be trapped) or I find a way to make the best possible choices for all the “me’s” to come.

When I read this by iPhone light in my freezing attic tonight, for some reason, it just really struck me as profound. Here I am, the thirty-something me, listening to the 20 year old me trying to project to where I am now. Even as I write this, it’s still profound. And it makes me think of some things:

Can you tell from reading that excerpt how afraid I was of being trapped? And how almost paralyzed I can become in making decisions for fear of making the wrong one? This still plagues me today. It is my over-inflated fear of failure.

Also, I look at that guy, working late into the night in my parent’s basement, and he has no idea. He really doesn’t. I mean, not at all. He has no idea how deeply he will learn to love this girl who he’s desperately trying to decide if he wants to marry. He has no idea how profoundly he will be forced to suffer. He has no idea the earth shattering power of love he will feel for his kids. He has no idea that in 13 years, two of his best friends’ marriages will be ending in divorce. He has no idea of the turns his mom’s illness will take. He has no idea that two of his very best friends in life, would move to California (no guilt Jason and Darby!). And on, and on, and on. The wonderful days and the bad days. He has no idea.

And yet, as a young boy I (we) jumped into the waters of life with such gusto and confidence (ok, maybe not me—but I hear others do). And so, isn’t it natural 13 years later to reevaluate? How did the 20 year old me do? I can remember this time after I graduated high school (don’t think I’m too dorky here) and I was driving somewhere and it hit me—I’ll never go to high school again! And I actually started to cry. I hate the feeling of losing something, or regret. So then I thought, Well would I do anything different? Did I miss any opportunities? And I honestly decided that no—I was totally happy with how I lived my life to the fullest in high school.

So, at almost 33 years old, is it time to reevaluate again? I look at the major decisions of my life during that time, marrying Mandy was the most important. Then deciding to not pursue my graduate degree, and instead move into full time ministry. That was a big one too. Deciding to live in the same place I grew up, and never move or explore new territory. Deciding to take a job that would probably never have the chance of me making tons of money. These were all life-altering decisions I was making at that time.

So, sliding doors—what would my life be like if I had done these differently? What if I had not married Mandy? Just the thought of that hurts. I was just thinking the other day how much I have changed (for the better!) because of her influence in my life. Who would I even be without her influence? Even with the pain of losing two children together, I know if I was given the choice to marry Mandy again 100 times, I would make the same choice, 100 times over. I have been amazed in our relationship, time and again, at how perfect she is for me. And most often in ways I never anticipated.

Career? You know, I have to say again, that I really feel like I did the right thing. I mean, I do wish that I had lots of money, that I had traveled more, and that I had a Masters Degree in something. But, you make certain choices, and there are “consequences.” In my 20′s I did get to travel quite a bit as a minister, and that will always be such an amazing time in life that I am so grateful for. If I had gone to grad school, that may have not been possible. And, what if I had chosen a different career path? Then all these hundreds, maybe even thousands, of young people I’ve had the opportunity to influence for God…where would they be?

Sliding Doors.

Isn’t it amazing how every decision affects another, which affects another? How your decision can affect someone else, and then someone else, and so on? Do you ever think about the ripple effects of your decisions?

Also, isn’t it true that there are always trade offs? I mean, you can’t have everything all the time, so you make decisions about what you want and when. This feels risky, but I really believe that if we don’t compromise our inner self, and stay on target for who we are called to be in God, that even through the most challenging times, we can come out knowing we are on the right track.

So yeah, longest post ever by me, right? Maybe this will encourage you to think about the blessings in your life. And maybe there are even choices you wish you could have back. But even in those, may we learn to find the great Redeemer. The One who takes broken dreams, misplaced goals, and disappointment, and makes new life.

The Weights We Carry

No, this is not a post about exercise. I was just thinking about something today, and thought I’d think about it some more here…

I have had this thought run through my mind several times in the last year(s): “Man, this situation (struggle, decision, obstacle, worry) is really wearing me down, I can’t wait until it’s through.” Do you ever think that when you are in the middle of something?

I feel like it has just been one thing after another for a long time. For instance, Mandy and I agonized for months and months about whether we would try again to have a living baby or not. This decision hung around my life like a weight. Truly. It invaded my thoughts at all hours of the day and night. It was as if something was always following me, like an emotional shadow over my life. Sometimes during that time period I just wanted so badly for it to all go away. Now, I knew that wasn’t possible. And we faced it straight on with prayer and faith and wisdom and much counsel. 

And that’s something I’ve learned about things like this. Often our human nature wants the easy way out. We want the quick fix to our problem – whether it be an external problem or an internal emotional one. If not a quick fix, than avoidance. That’s why so many people do so many things to cover up the pain (confusion, self doubt, worry, uncertainty, etc). It makes sense. It is easier to drink it away (or whatever) than face it head one. Because facing it is painful, and opens you up to a long process. 

But that’s the key. The long process. I am convinced this is why God has drawn me to hiking at pivotal times in my life, because making big decisions, undergoing change, and even suffering, require the same fortitude and stick-to-it-iveness as a long, difficult hike. But, as in hiking, often the joy is in the trek. The true salvation is in the process, not just the end result.

So anyway, even though I’m so optimistic about he process and all, I still kind of hate it :) I just have felt lately that as soon as one “weight” gets resolved, and my mind is free from having to circle this thought constantly, then WHAM – I am sucked into another one. I was thinking today how tiring this is. How can I always be carrying a weight? 

And then I started to think about God. I’ve been trying to renew my passion for God’s word lately, something that has fallen off as of late.  And today I was reminded of a verse that I’ve always loved. It’s in Matthew where Jesus tells us that he’ll carry the weights and burdens of our lives. And I realized – that’s what I need that in my life. That’s real. I need the help of a loving and very strong Savior. 

So, I’m not entirely sure how to put that all into practice, but in my own way I’m trying. Anyone else care to share?  ;)  Does anyone else feel weighty?  What do you do with that?